So many times, I've considered what I would say in this post, without being able to decide on a direction. In the end, I've decided to speak from the heart and wing it. The following is highly personal, tragic and yet, so important to share.
At the time of my last post, my teen daughter and I were excitedly getting ready for homecoming. Dress shopping, personal pampering and having an all around great Mom and Daughter time. My daughter, a fourteen year old high school sophomore, works so hard all year. She's a successful student and athlete. I love the built in opportunity to pamper her for the school dances.
For this particular dance, she decided to go with a number of her girl friends. They gathered at my home, these beautiful, shining girls, all giggles and gossip as they performed their final primping for the evening. As a parent, you love to see them this way. It fills your heart with a certain warmness and joy to see them so happy, full of anticipation and celebration. Teens experience so much challenge as they try to find their way.
The girls had a fantastic time at the dance, regaling with me with stories and more laughter on the ride home to redress for an "after party" at a friend's house. Despite the late hour, I dropped them off at the party. They were a group of five, with other friends to be in attendance, at a home nearby, with parents on site. The girls were to sleep over at another friend's house after the party.
As a drove away, something deep inside my inner Mom cried out. Not able to put a finger on the source, I pushed it aside.
Although my daughter is a year younger than the others in her grade, she is growing up and I have to let her. Although a teen, through and through, testing boundaries and always on the go, she's never been involved in anything dangerous and has a good head on her shoulders. During most of the school year, with studies and sports, she is driving 100% from 6am until often past 10pm. It's good for her to blow off some steam, I told myself.
I should have listened to that inner Mom.
There was alcohol at the party.
My daughter, 95lbs and unexperienced with alcohol, drank "something very strong" given to her by a stranger.
She blacked out/passed out.
She was raped by three teen boys, classmates.
My daughter is 14 years old.
She has endured a forensic physical exam, extensive police interviews and STD testing.
Thank God, she has tested negative for both pregnancy and STDs.
The AIDS testing will continue for some time into the future.
She is receiving crisis counseling.
The case is currently being reviewed by the county prosecutor's office.
Post the assault, the news spread like wildfire among the student population of three school districts, via Facebook. She was bullied both on line and in school.
Some of the most disconcerting things I've discovered from this experience:
- The teens have no knowledge/concept of Age of Consent, which in our state is 16, despite the inclusion of sex education in the school system.
- From my conversations with various teens, many parents in our district believe it's okay to condone drinking if the guests are at their house.
- My daughter was harassed online by numerous Junior and Senior girls about how she would ruin the promising lives of the the males involved if she pressed charges.
- Not one of the party attendees, including many close friends of my daughter, some of whom have been close to our family since grade school, called my husband and I or another trusted adult for help.
I was too naive and trusting.
My family and I, and more significantly, my precious daughter, will have to live with the consequences of that.
We had, on numerous occasions, discussed staying safe, drinking and drugs, accepting drinks from strangers, abduction... We've told my daughter and her friends to ALWAYS, ALWAYS know it's okay to call us if they ever get in trouble.
It wasn't enough.
Please reach out to your daughters and sons.
Please reach out to your friends and neighbors.
Please reach out to your school district.
